Ol’ DJ has made quite a splash, first in the WWE as wrestler ‘The Rock’, now as a bonafide movie star, currently appearing in the smash-hit Furious 7.
But I bet you didn’t know these SHOCKING and OBNOXIOUS facts about Dwayne.
1. Dwayne can blind people with his body
If you want to know who to thank for the skyrocketing price of baby oil, it’s the world-wide shortage caused by John-John.
Dwayne’s body is so shiny he is legally recognized as a lighthouse in most coastal states.
2. Dwayne is severely allergic to bees
For you and me, a bee sting is just a way to prove how hard it is to make us cry. But for Dwayne it could be as disastrous as a Buxton Christmas dinner.
For this reason he always keeps an epi-pen safely stored in his fannypack with instructions on how to pound it into his tit like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.
3. Dwayne’s hair is scared to grow
Dwayne used to have hair, but one day his muscles got so big the follicles were like, “Let’s get the heck out of here,” and ran off to live on Brad Pitt’s chin.
4. He is happily married to an igneous rock
Thankfully it’s legal in the state of Ohio to marry a stone. It’s been a rocky marriage (PUN SO INTENDED, BAE), but the two are clearly meant to be.
For those lucky folks that get a dinner invitation, you get to smell what the rock’s cooking.
5. Dwayne loves Burning Man
If you hit up Burning Man this year, look for Dwayne is his classic Tooth Fairy costume.
Last time I was there he was strutting around trying to start a limbo game, and he told my girlfriend she’d look better with bangs.
For the record he was right, but I’ll NEVER give him the satisfaction of admitting it.
6. Dwayne is a fashionista
People don’t realize that most of the fashion trends we enjoy today can be traced back to Dwayne.
Not only was he ahead of the curve with wearing full lion heads as a hat, he also invented Uggs, Crocs, wallet chains, and it’s rumoured he built Beck out of clay.
7. Dwayne’s neck is riddled with parasitic worms
For a big movie star, you think he’d have the money to get this condition checked out.
I don’t know about you, but if I had strange worms slithering about under my skin I would see my doctor ASAP, or at the very least consult some anglers.
8. Dwayne can produce milk from his pecs
Here he is trying to trick us in an obviously staged photo. “Look at me, I’m Dwayne, I don’t produce my own milk, I have to get it from outside sources.” Yeah right, nice try, mister.
